I'm changing for the better! (x11)

Nearly two months of thoughts summarised in a post

Mid May 
(every day) 
wake yawn stretch 
burn down my side & 
Mitski tells me I am a forest fire. Like summer 
clinging smoke (addictive)
& internal heat (I could self-combust any time u want). 

I’ve been sitting cold & lonely 
at the picnic bench by the kebab place on campus, 
or tucked (frozen) into a squishy corner in the library 4 
8 hours at a time
or in bed willing myself to learn 
just 1 more formula. 

I’ve been reading my university’s fb love letter page 
morning paper in the hopes of someone falling in love with me. 
& I’ve been checking in on pages of clubs I used to attend, 
like it will put me back in time to when I had time. 

Right now I am on the tail end of one assignment 
at the mouth of a giant snake (end of sem). I am weeks 
behind on content & being content. Robotic movements 
incomplete. Today’s Co-Star isn’t too optimistic. But then, 
I wasn’t going to write. 
Nessa wrote about May (inspired!),
Joanne will write about June (inspired!), 
I will write about the future (uninspired). 

June (soon)
In the echochamber that is my life I am a series of poems 
(thank you sweatermuppet for the title) & all throughout autumn
I am vague. & then winter. I can't talk about inspiration without 
curling up like a roly poly. It is June & I am on the ground. It is June
& I am kissing. It is June & I am pretending. Tomorrow, I'll be better.

Tuesday (in May) 
So autumn 
but you’re feeling so blue. Manifest 
the wrong kind of sleep 
like skeptical 9-5, suspicious markings
of a life never lost. See the poster boy 
for forgiveness on the cherry-wine windows & 
kneel at the overstated
execution block. Did you leave your
record shelf in your last will?

(& also,)
bare dust broken room i’ll miss me & you’ll miss you. little pieces of soul closed circuits open mouths. we are mirrored reflections deep shades of green & shards refracting in the sunburnt river. an angry part of me wants to climb into the carcass fridge & gnaw at its guts, but self-destruction is so 2012. one day our fingertips will break emergency glass but until then i’ll hide under the silent room table. 
(the vision for this^ one is a fancy hotel elevator with mirrors on all sides.)

A Poem in Apologies
For giving your parents my cowboy hat 
while drunk at the first bar
For flirting with your friends
For insulting men in front of your boyfriend
For every time I've accidentally been rude 
For pretending to be drunk or not to be drunk
For kissing 
For panicking. For saying it was gross
For omitting myself from sentences
For apologising
For not apologising
For weird/inadequate apologies 
For party rocking
(Self explanatory.)

Updates
Dracula Daily has started again, & I told myself I’d try to read Dracula  
this time (I got halfway last year) but I’ve honestly been 
so busy. (Spoilers: I did not read it this year. Next year.) 
I spent forever telling them about media I've consumed & writing notes
on what I need to watch tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow. 

Life is choking me out, but it's good. 
Life is pulling my leg, my hair, my face up up up
but it's good. 
Tears of the Kingdom -> Somersbys -> chippies -> coffee every day forever (<3)
I started going for walks again, but then that stopped. 
I started cleaning my room, but that stopped too. 

I am laundry in a machine 
& I am the suitcase on the train 
& I am the rain on my chest making me sick.

I am almond croissants. 
Hey guys you wanna be in my bereal? 

Collections
Vinyls (dangerous. too many already); CDs (obviously); Switch games (and other consoles); Cables; Baby's First Engineering Activities; Lip balm; Kisses; Coffees; Crystals; Tarot cards; Cafes; Love letters; Bereals; Cans; Holding Hands; Garlic (not bad); Smiles (definitely not bad). 

June (Post-Production)
I had this dream where I became confrontational 
& vindictive. But then I woke up & I was myself again. 

This past month has tied itself around me 
like copper wire, electrifying, restraining, taxing. Week after 
all my words were completed & wrapped in pretty little ribbons, ran away
(new pillow every day) 
in my dreams I hug my friends. Again & again. 

Sunlight through the cafe doors; golden morning 
good morning after the broken promise of rain. 
Windows open for the first time in months. Gifts & oat coffees 
& little tubs of olives. Chips and garlic bread from downstairs 
after again, again, I'll miss you again; ran back to the train station 

where everyone looked exhausted (like me). Won't kiss and tell, 
but I finally drank the Sprite she bought me 
a week ago
Fell asleep like Inception & woke up in a warm bed,
wherever, whenever, always a 45 minute radius from where I was born. 
I'd be clutching my jacket to my chest against the wind, regret, but then 
I'd be in a bookhouse, a supermarket, arms, smiling forever. 

I keep having dreams where I am late 
for something. It’s usually an exam but sometimes 
it’s just lateness as a concept; too late to meet someone 
ever again, too late to apologise, too late to say goodbye. Lateness
for lateness' sake. I have discovered that my role in life 
is to make people happy. Including me. I am a pile of yesses 
& nos & text mes. This post started in full sentences 
but I am not feeling sentences, so enjoy this collection. 

---

More Media

• September Affirmation (Don’t be Afraid) by Keaton St James (boykeats) on Tumblr is the theme for this post

• Pure Michigan by Julian Klincewicz (Sleeping.)

• Some mutuals’ substacks (see my profile or wherever it shows substacks I read)

• Nobody by the Crane Wives (you play guitar but don’t listen to music??? but she does)

• Fall Out Boy (always)

• My Chemical Romance (for making this all happen)

• Kalokairi (very dear to me)

• Je Tu Il Elle dir. Chantal Akerman

• Across the Spider-Verse

• Jordan Peele (forever and ever <3)

• Margaret Atwood (begrudgingly. I have beef with her.)

• Don Paterson’s 40 Sonnets